I have never heard of any resolution being kept after the
first five days of January. Cynic though I may be, you have to admit that
statement is entirely true. When has a conversation involving resolutions ever
involved this repartee: “Guys! You’ll be so impressed. I made a list of 20
resolutions last year and I kept every single one of them! I lost fifteen
pounds, found a six-figure job right out of college and found the love of my
life, all while simultaneously building my Pinterest empire! I have over 10,000
followers!” Said no one ever.
This just goes to prove what Grumpy Cat would say about
resolutions: Don’t bother, because you will fail.
No matter how small and underachieving your resolutions may
be, somehow, the minute they are labeled “resolutions” and the shame and
trepidation of January 1st approach, they have been cursed. Resolutions
such as but are not limited to: flossing (do any of us know anyone who actually
flosses on a regular basis?), reading more (tweets don’t count, lo siento),
getting organized (folding your towels differently is a sad sort of
satisfaction) or drinking more clear liquids (downing vodka with the locals on
your study abroad trip to Russia also doesn’t count).
So if you are really wanting to make some improvements in
your life this year, do yourself a favor and resist the urge to call it a
resolution. Maybe you’ll have more luck than those poor people already
regretting that expensive gym membership.
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