Sit Back, Relax, and be Rude to the Person Next to You

On a recent journey to Arizona, I experienced the cringe-worthy phenomenon that is finding a seat on an airplane. Southwest, I know you’re trying to help us out by giving us the freedom to sit where we want, but in reality, you’re giving our American individualism and entitlement to personal space a serious panic attack.

Even my most charming, Grace Kelly-esque “Is this seat taken?” and toothpaste-commercial smile is met with this startled glare of “How dare you presume you can sit so close to me and breathe my air?!” I’m sorry, but you were the one who decided to inconvenience us all by sitting in the aisle seat when there is nothing stopping you from *GASP* moving all the way to the window, or taking the bullet for us all and sitting in the middle.

Mr. Businessman with Gucci suit, Italian shoes and glossy briefcase, please resist the urge to act as if I am making your life the most miserable it has ever been when you get up in a huff to let me into the middle seat.  This is the adult equivalent of Suzie giving Charlotte the stink eye on the playground for taking the swing she wanted Ashley to have.

These trials, too, shall pass.

Once, just to shake things up a little, I decided to take the middle seat next to an elderly gentleman who was sitting next to the window, leaving the aisle free. He peered at me from behind his spectacles in shock and I kid you not, the first words out of his mouth to me are not “Hello, how are you? Lovely day, isn’t it? Cute cardigan. Want some gum? What are you reading? Business or vacation?” All of these nice things, he could have said. But no. Instead, he demanded to know the reason behind my insolence: “Why aren’t you sitting in the aisle?”

I can read between the lines. Apparently my close proximity was making him uncomfortable.

“Because I wanted someone else to be able to sit down easily. And because you looked like a nice person to talk to.”

I took from his silence that he was not, in fact, going to be a nice person to talk to.

This is what Southwest has brought us to. Forcing us to have awkward encounters with rude strangers wedged into tiny seats and fighting over who gets the armrest. Just make sure to carry a suitcase the size of Africa aboard, and turn your music up loud and don’t worry, you’ll be the darling of the skies.